The Victim

Life for the Victim is filled with themes of lack of self-determination and control.  Victims are always convinced that others are more in command than they are.


Internal

• Filled with rage that is buried, and therefore not strongly felt
• Unaware of his own hostile behaviors
• Troubled by feelings of weakness and impotence; wants to feel safe
• Pessimistic and negative about life
• Put-upon; feels and acts burdened
• Rarely happy; pleasure results in anxiety so it must be avoided
• Tendency to turn self-denial into social concerns: "I cannot buy new shoes because others have none"
• Inhibited, serious, responsible, and unassuming
• Emotionally flat; has no deep feelings of either of love or hate
• Vaguely depressed and helpless when left alone

Interpersonal

• Feels mistreated; distrustful of others
• Tries to please others, but self-sacrifice leads to bitterness and more suffering
• Is convinced that he is constantly suffering and is proud that he or she is able to "take it"
• Wants to avoid abandonment
• Continues loving others who may treat him badly
• Is unable to be self-protective because of constant self-blame
• Is demanding; inordinate need for affection
• Is unable to receive pleasure; has sexual dysfunction in relationships
• Depends on others, but relationships often repeat humiliation and defeat
• Complains but does not change; displays defeat to the world; says, "No one can help"
• Frustrates those who want to help, makes them ineffectual and arouses their anger
• Is indirect; appears compliant but may be secretively manipulative
• May have learned to enjoy defeat as a way of surviving with pride
• Tries to be "good" and "goes along" to avoid being alone
• Wants to arouse guilt in others, and hopes that guilt will become love

Normal ---> Extreme

• Lack of self-care -> trouble; for example, marrying an alcoholic or sticking with an abusive boss
• Unassertiveness -> Endlessly being stuck
• Proud of sacrifice -> Depression and suffering
• Fear of being alone -> Denial of danger from others
• Confusion of mistreatment with affection -> poor judgement of abusive behaviors
• Need to avoid abandonment -> Verbal, physical, or sexual abuse to be endured

The victim feels impotent from an early age.   He has little success with independence so anger grows, but remains hidden.  The Victim has no belief that he can succeed alone, gain respect, or make effective changes.  Therefore, loyalty to bosses, friends, or partners changes from admirable trait to a trap that he cannot leave, even after mistreatment.

The Kao

Dan Polito

Andrea Pulley

Lillian Adele Hawkins

Kyle Lopez

Edwin Lara

JoAnn Kang